A lot has happened this past week. I had my follow up echo, which I already wrote about. I finished Matthew and Mark over the weekend and today. And my home club had our end of year party for which I smoked brisket, pork, and ribs. It was a great time. The parents sat around and talked quite a bit, and the topic of students who are juniors and seniors came up, and how to best work with them.
I’ve been through this process now six times, and it was not always done well by me. In fact, I really blew it with two of my kids. I was far from perfect with all of them, but with two of them, I lost their heart, and that was hard. And one of my parents asked if I could do my Monument Monday on this, as she is going through some struggles with one of her kids. And, likely, some of you are going through it as well, know someone who is going through this, or will go through it in the future.
My son was 17 at the time, and he was interested in a girl that my wife and I did not care for. That’s another story that I can’t get into here. I wanted to protect him — well that was the reason I gave for my “interventions.” I also desired him to obey me and my directions. He wanted to follow his own directions, and that was frustrating to say the least. This, I envisioned, could compromise my name, my position in the homeschool world, my position as an elder of my church, my position as a leader in the speech and debate world, etc. Notice all of the “my” words here. It gets worse.
Since my desires were not being met by my son, these became demands I expected from my son. These were met with even more resistance, and that gave rise to anger and more frustration. Why was my son not fitting into the mold and image I set up for him?!? In my anger and frustration, I said some very hurtful things to my son, and I lost his heart. Thankfully my demands did NOT get to the point of saying to him that if he didn’t want to live under MY roof and MY rules, he could go find another place to live. I had thought of telling him that, but thankfully God kept me from doing it. I think had I gone this far, I would have lost my son for a long time, if not for good.
How did it get to this point? It’s called idolatry. Idolatry is such an ugly word, but it was what I was steeped in at that point in my life. Again, notice all of the “my” this and “my” that. This is the beginning of it all. It can start so innocently. It begins with desires. And these desires are not bad in and of themselves. We want obedient children, a loving and respectful spouse, a bit of peace and quiet after a long day, a car that doesn’t cost more to fix than it’s worth. Again, these aren’t bad in themselves, but it is the “why” you desire these that is the problem. Who is this for? For them? Or for you? If these are selfish desires or vain conceit, this is where idolatry begins.
With idolatry comes the carving tools. We all a set of them that we carry around with us all the time. And with selfish desires, the carving tools we use are more positive. We compliment the other person to see if they will do the thing we want them to do. We may get them gifts, take them on a date, etc. But this all has to do with what I can get out of it. It is about ME. And if we don’t get what we want, then we start to get out the negative carving tools.
This is when we get into the demand phase of idolatry. We see our desires more as something we deserve, and therefore I will not be happy unless I get what I want. “I deal with noise and complaints ALL DAY LONG. I DESERVE to have some peace and quiet around the house!!!” “I work two jobs and I deserve to have some time out with my friends, or to get a new car, a boat, a new…” And the more we see ourselves as deserving this thing, the more it becomes a “must have” or we won’t be happy. And since we are the most important person in our lives at this point, we had better get it. So out come the negative carving tools in the form of anger, insults, outbursts, etc.
This leads to fear that we won’t get what it is that we deserve and must have. Fear is essentially something we give the power of our own life and death over to. Fear of thunder and lightning, fear of the dark, of public speaking, all stems from thinking this will kill us in the end. When we fear anything over God, who DOES have the power of life and death, this is idolatry. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. How do we know if we have entered into this phase of idolatry? Answer these questions. What is my mind preoccupied with on a regular basis? What is the first thing on your mind when you wake up. What is on your mind when you go to sleep? Complete this sentence, “If only __________, then I would be happy.” What is it that you trust in the most right now? Money? Savings account? Your Spouse? Your job? Is there something I want so bad that I am willing to hurt others to get it? Am I using God’s Word to justify my desire but deep down I know it is wrong?
Anger, fear, unmet desires if left unresolved will lead to judgment of others, especially if we see them as the ones who are getting in the way of what I deserve. We then condemn them in our hearts, if not openly with our mouths. We have become the judge in our own little self-righteous world that we have built for ourselves. And once we have passed judgment, now we become the executioner. We now need to sacrifice something to our idol. We will kill someone in our mind and in our heart. We may look to destroy another’s reputation. We may become passive-aggressive. I lashed out with very hurtful words, sacrificing my son with my tongue. I was deep in my idolatry of my name, my family name.
So, how do you get out of this? Ephesians says to put way bitterness, clamor, evil speaking, etc. And put on kindness and love. Forgiving others as God in Christ forgave you. I had to see where I was in the wrong. And there was a lot to see. I had to face my son and ask him for forgiveness without any expectations of reciprocity. I had hurt him deeply, and I needed to own up to it no matter what. I prayed that God would open my eyes to whatever I needed to change to thrust Him more. And that is what comes next.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will produce in you the desires He wants you to have. Seek first His kingdom and righteousness. And this is an ongoing process that we will have to continue for the rest of our time on earth. So, never ever think that once you are past this episode that you are free from idolatry. I know this because i did the same thing with my daughter, and it lasted much longer. But that is a different story.
Understand the ever changing relationship you have with your children. As they grow and mature, we need to work out this process of turning them over to God for them to trust in Him for themselves. They will make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. And if this happens under your roof, that’s all the better as you can walk them through reconciliation and helping them fix or mitigate the problems. Your house, your home, is one of the best places for your children to mess up. It is great training ground. This is quite scary. Your kids can do some crazy things like snowboard down a double black diamond run. And this is where trusting in God comes in.
The end of the story was that I did approach my son and asked forgiveness which he freely gave. He confirmed that he never stopped loving me and knew we were in a rough place, but also knew we would get it resolved one day. After this, we really didn’t talk much for a couple months. I think the Holy Spirit was actively healing both our hearts. I knew I had his heart back when he came into my office and asked my advice. He was wanting to learn from me and my wisdom. And our relationship has only gotten better since then. He has grown into the man I wanted him to be, more because he is trusting God on his own.
Amen!!
There is a bit more to this story, and I also have another one of my daughter, but time and space will not allow me to get into it more. BUT, this is a talk that I will do to completing at my Launch seminar and the follow up online sessions. I encourage you to really consider joining the Launch event. And I am trying to make it even easier to register. Please see below for more information.
I am so thankful that I have regained the hearts of my son and my daughter. It is by the grace of God. And if this Word of the Week helps you all out in any way, I am very thankful for that too.
Amen
If you enjoyed this content, you can sign up to receive this and more to your inbox every Monday by becoming a Monument Member. Learn more here.
